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EMOTIONAL INFIDELITY

By Pastors Kamau & Judy Karanja - As heard on Hope Fm [March & April 2012]

1.    DEFINITION OF EMOTIONAL INFIDELITY

• A relationship with a third party, other than your loved one, that has crossed boundaries of emotional intimacy that  should be preserved for the one that you love.
• It excludes physical intimacy but includes emotional intimacy. It can begin as innocently as a friendship.
• It defies strict definition and that’s partly what makes it so dangerous.
• It’s an indiscretion or impurity of the heart and mind, not [yet] the flesh.
• In today’s world, it does not even have to involve face to face meeting. Cheating now includes having intimate correspondence with someone while on a cell phone, computer or other forms of communication and maintaining a close, personal relationship with someone other than your loved one.

 2.    HOW EMOTIONAL INFIDELITY HAPPENS 

a.    May even begin with an innocent encounter/meeting. One or both parties are not necessarily looking for an affair. 

b.    Progresses into an exchange of personal information. 

c.    More one on one meetings begin to happen for one reason or the other. Business, church, office… 

d.    The information shared begins to become more and more personal and intimate. 

e.    The relationship now begins to edge out and undermine one’s love relationship. 

3.    THE DANGERS OF EMOTIONAL INFIDELITY  

a.    It affects/pollutes/defiles the core of a person, the heart. - Pr 4:23 

b.    Emotional infidelity threatens and undermines the emotional bond between couples. Pure and healthy friendships and attractions don't need to threaten a marriage at all, but add richness and enjoyment to life. This relationship however, threatens the legitimate relationship.

c.    The sharing of intimate information with someone else other than your loved one in emotional infidelity crosses the boundaries of trust and confidentiality. A third party becomes a confidant and often the critic of your partner. The relationship causes betrayal of intimate details and secrets that a couple shares and reveals them to a third party.

d.    It competes with your relationship. Robbing it of valuable time, trust and emotional bonding. It causes insecurity to come into the relationship. -  Ex 20:5

e.    It is selfish. Most people who defend this relationship would be very jealous if it was their loved one who was so close with a member of the opposite sex.

f.    Where there is sexual attraction [spoken or unspoken], it is sin. - Mt 5:28

g.    It is flirting with danger. - Pr 6:28

4.    SYMPTOMS OF EMOTIONAL INFIDELITY

a.     You are becoming preoccupied and daydream about your “friend” more and more.

b.    You participate in corporate/business dating i.e. dating under the guise of business where you convince yourselves that’s it’s “nothing personal, just business”.

c.    You find yourself anticipating when you can communicate or be with your “friend” again. Alone time together is important to you.

d.    You begin sharing your thoughts, feelings, and problems with your “friend” instead of your loved one. You share emotional difficulties with this person and they advice you. They may also turn to you for intimate counsel, even about their own relationship.

e.    Your “friend” seems to understand you better than your loved one does.

f.    When confronted about the apparent emotional affair, you respond, "We're just friends. There is denial of the feelings or the impending danger.

g.    You are keeping your friendship or parts of your friendship a secret from your loved one. Your loved one does not have access to all of the conversations you are having with this person - e-mail, texting, in person, etc. There begins to be deception and secrecy.

h.    You develop special rituals with your “friend” that are highly anticipated by both parties. When the rituals don't happen there is great disappointment.

i.    You find reasons to give your “friend” personal gifts. You provide special treats [indulgences] for your “friend”.

j.    You spend money on this “friend” behind your loved one's back.

k.    You begin withdrawing from your loved one. They don’t excite you as much as this person any more.

l.    You are more concerned about your “friend” than your loved one.

m.    Conflicts arise between you and your loved one over this friendship. You accuse your loved one of jealousy when the friendship is brought up.

n.    You lie to your loved one in order to spend time with this “friend”.

o.    You begin losing interest in being intimate with your loved one, either emotionally or sexually.

p.    You fantasize about marriage with this “friend”.

4.    SIGNS THAT YOUR LOVED ONE MAY BE GETTING INTO EMOTIONAL INFIDELITY

a.     They get a text or phone call and walk out of the room to communicate.

b.    They get unusually happy when communication from that person arrives.

c.    They speak about this person often.

d.    They compare you unfavourably to that person – this is a big warning sign!

e.    They don’t want to do things together; things that you usually do

f.    They suddenly think the cute things you do (things particular to you being a couple) are silly and immature

g.    They pay close attention to their looks when they are going to meet this person.

h.    For married couples, they may not even want sex with their spouse or when they do they fantasize about the other person). 

5.    WHY DO BELIEVERS FALL INTO THIS TRAP [OF EMOTIONAL / PHYSICAL INFIDELITY]  

Ho 4:6

a.    Ignorance or Lack of knowledge. 

b.    Rejecting Knowledge or foolishness. 

c.    Forgetting knowledge [forget the vows, promises]. 

d.    Learning the ways of the heathen. - Jer 10:2 

e.    Yielding [giving in] to temptation. - 1st Co 10:13 

f.    Improper / careless interactions with members of the opposite sex.

         [Especially in speech, dressing and mannerisms].

   - Entertaining sensual talk [labels] - Pr 5:3

   - Provocative dressing. - Pr 7:7

   - Inappropriate / unrestrained physical affection.

g.    Unmet needs [or needs met inadequately]. – 1st Co 7:3

 N/b – Marriage is a need meeting relationship.

 h.    A poor soul [mind, will, emotions]. - 3rd Jo 1:2  

 i.    Lack of trustworthiness.

  [To be continued: How to get out of an emotional affair]