There are so many Bible verses that speak about death and the benefits of it especially to Christians. One other time, a friend of mine said she wished one of those who have gone ahead of us would come back and share what heaven is really like. You would wonder why such a thought yet the Bible provides so many testimonies of how it is there. Apostle Paul in his episodes talks about being absent in the body is being present in the spirit. As Christians, we are also encouraged and exhorted not to mourn as those who are ignorant but to mourn with the knowledge that we are here temporarily as we prepare to be home with our Father God.
This may seem so easy, but i just learned that its easier said that done. The past month has not been an easy one for me. While i have been always quick to console with the bereaved asking them to take heart and be encouraged as they find comfort in Christ, the same didn't apply when death recently visited my house. It first started with the illness of my only aunt - my mum's only sister. The day i saw her lying in the hospital bed... i think i was not well prepared for what i would find. It was nothing close to my aunt i had always known - the warm, upbeat and motherly. The moment she heard of your presence, she would run to hug you, try to lift you from the ground, comment on your weight, facial outlook, dressing, hairstyle and such. The smile on her face would crown it all. There would be no doubt that it was all sincere from her heart. Here she was lying there, not sure whether she is seeing me or not, with an endless stare in her eyes. She smiled but didn't seem quite like it, trying to move her hand to embrace me but with no strength to go further than the edge of the bed. For a moment, my body went numb. I didn't move, and kept fighting the stream of tears i was feeling filling my eyes. Then i quickly remembered that i had to stay strong for her and encourage her. I stretched my hand into her open palm and she held tight onto me and kept smiling. Then i asked her daughter how i would know if she recognised me. Surprisingly, my aunt nodded in response.
I spoke to her while she kept nodding even though she couldn't talk back. I cuddled her hand wishing she would say something but nothing. Every time she tried talking there would come a deep groan from her throat. Overwhelmed by the sadness, i released her hand and went out to sob. It was too difficult to take.
That was the beginning of my worries. For a whole two weeks all i did was cry and cry even more. I cried at my desk, in the bathroom and in bed. I was always full. I had no room for food. Every time i went before the Lord i would end up saying nothing but would just cry. Thank God He hears even our deepest groaning. I am sure He knew what i was out to tell Him. The phone became my greatest enemy worrying every time i heard it ring.
And indeed it finally rung to confirm my worst fears- she had passed on.
Three weeks down the line i am still working at letting go. Every time i think of her i cant just take it in. Yet i saw her being laid to rest. Is this what all bereaved people go through?! Especially bereaved Christians?!
I am sure God is really disappointed with me! I am consoled though that He understands my weakness and is forgiving because He sees the will to let go but the human nature is still holding on. As i have always said, Christianity is the hardest thing on earth. Being a christian and living all that comes with it is a real job. No wonder Paul in Romans says we have all fallen short of the the glory of God. I thank God for His grace that is ever sufficient. If it were not for it, i don't know what would become of me. Maybe He would have also taken me home. And that scares me because if He came He wouldn't find me worthy if i am still struggling with accepting His will. Every single day, i am telling myself that in all that God does, He does it PERFECTLY well, and that in all thing He works for our good. I want to internalise these and probably snap back to reality and move on in faith as i await His coming for me. For it shall surely come to pass.
Are you there feeling dejected and in so much pain like i am? God loves you. He cares about you so much that your pain is His too. It hurts Him just as much as it does hurt you, but He still has to perform His will for our lives. He desires that we may know His good and perfect will for us.
Paul in Philippians 4:4 exhorts us to rejoice in the Lord always and verse 7 adds that and His peace that surpasses all understanding will guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
